Why We Need Validation
We all love hearing how great we are. That’s being human.
There’s a sneaky secret behind a need for recognition.
Here’s what’s sneaky.
When you use validation as a measure of your self-worth, you’ll never measure up.
The need for recognition shows up in things like:
Checking emails way after hours, and immediately responding.
Saying YES to every meeting, even when you don’t need to be there.
Leaving your calendar open for anyone to book time for what works for them, not you.
Perhaps you worry about what people will think if you don’t answer right away or what they will say about you if you don’t show up.
Maybe you worry about how it will reflect on your leadership.
You want to be liked, so you people please, which is another sneaky way you look for recognition.
I was on that same hamster wheel for years, always hungry to be recognized and liked. It was exhausting to think that my identity was only as strong as how well-liked I was and the frequency of praise for my work.
I wanted to sell more than anyone. I wanted the commissions. But I also wanted recognition. And just like the commissions, when I received recognition— an insidious, never-ending need.
I learned how to let go.
It starts by making decisions from what you want for yourself, not the story that loops in your head, making up thoughts about what people will think about you.
Deciding for yourself ahead of time and not bending to the expectations of others is powerful.
That’s self-validation. This is a path to worrying less and increasing your confidence.
Self-validation is a learned skill. It frees you from the need to hear how great you are from anyone but yourself.
Here’s a three-step process:
Step 1: Acceptance
According to Psychology Today, self-validation is the act of accepting your own internal experience, including your thoughts and feelings.
Acceptance is the key word. Accepting yourself is an earned skill that can be a real superpower. Accepting yourself means having compassion for who you are at this very moment.
Compassion for both the good and the not-so-good; it’s ok to be who you are in the moment. Here’s a thought that might help you understand further: I am what I am today. I will learn from it to become who I want to be.
There will be days when you fall short, as we all do. Use those times as data to learn from. Don’t weaponize those experiences against yourself.
Falling short has nothing to do with your intrinsic self-worth. A bad moment is not a reason to shame or blame yourself. When you shame yourself, it strikes at your self-worth. Become aware. Decide instead to have compassion for yourself. This is an antidote for shame.
With self-compassion, you self-validate.
In her book Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown recommends taking Dr. Kristin Ness’ Self-Compassion test. Give it a go, and see how self-compassionate you are or not.
Step 2: Examine Earned Experience
You may struggle with believing in yourself or what you’re capable of. Most people do. It becomes easier when you know that what you can achieve is built on what you’ve already achieved.
Dig deep into your accomplishments, both professional and personal. This is the culmination of who you are today and the foundation for future success. Making a list of evidence of your success is one of the easiest and most effective validation tools.
It’s where belief takes hold and is nurtured, and your self-worth grows along with it.
This is an exercise that people resist doing because they believe they already know their accomplishments. When written out in great detail, it becomes a full story not just pieces of memory.
View your success through the lens of what you’ve already created and use the energy it creates to create more success.
Step 3: Prioritize
Self-validation relies on putting on your oxygen mask before attempting to help others.
Want to know the funny thing about prioritizing yourself? You’ll end up pleasing more people and showing up with more impact. Prioritizing yourself has a multiplier effect that has you showing up more effectively with others.
When people see you happier, they are happier, which is a pretty powerful strategic byproduct.
Accepting that you are enough just the way you are is pure self-validation.
Coming from that place of certainty feels so much better than asking, Am I enough?
Decide that you’ve had enough of seeking validation.
You are one of a kind. No validation needed.
If you are considering working with a Coach or want to know more about the components of a Coaching engagement, let’s get on a call with this link.
The question I get most frequently on these calls, ‘what results can I achieve?’ Here’s what one client shared:
“The biggest impact I had working with Christina: ‘Thoughts control your emotions, which control your actions’...You cannot have a positive action from a negative thought or emotion. Journaling as a tool to help ‘clear the cobwebs’ in order to have more productive thinking has made a huge impact.”
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