A Sneaky Secret

There is a sneaky secret behind recognition.

We all love hearing how great we are.

That’s being human.

But when you seek validation as a measure of self-worth, you'll never measure up.

It shows up in things like ….

• Checking emails way after hours and immediately responding.

• Saying YES to every meeting even when you don’t need to be there.

• Leaving your calendar open to anyone to book time when it works for them.

You worry what people will think if you don’t answer right away.

You worry what people will say if you don’t show up.

You worry how it will all reflect on your leadership.

You want to be liked, so you people please. People pleasing is another sneaky way you look for recognition.

I was on this hamster wheel running to be recognized and liked for years. Thinking that my identity was only as strong as how much I was liked and the frequency of praise for my work. I wanted to sell more than anyone. I wanted the commissions, but I also wanted recognition, and when I got it, I wanted it again next year. A sneaky never-ending need.

I learned how to let go of these worries, and I can teach you how.

It starts by making decisions based on what you want for yourself. Not from the story loop in your head around what people will think about you.

By deciding for yourself ahead of time and not from expectations of others.

That's self-validation.

That may sound like coach speak, but understanding it means less worry and more confidence.

Self-validating is a learned skill that ends the need to hear you’re great from anyone but yourself. It's learning how to believe those things without ever needing someone else to tell you so.

Here's my three-step process.

Step 1: Accepting

According to Psychology Today, self-validation is the act of accepting your own internal experience, including your thoughts and feelings.

Accepting is the key word. Accepting yourself is an earned skill.

Accepting who you are and deciding how you want to show up. Accepting is having clarity on your must haves for yourself and your never agains.

There will be days that you fall short, as we all do. Use it simply as data to learn from. Don’t weaponize it against yourself.

Falling short has nothing to do with your self-worth. Don’t use a bad moment against yourself to shame, blame or fall into regret. Become aware. Learn. Decide instead to accept it as it is.

That’s not only self-validating, that’s self-compassion.

Brene Brown recommends this Self-Compassion test (HERE) in her book, Atlas of the Heart. Give it a go, and see how self-compassionate you are, or not, as many of my clients learned.

Step 2: Earned Experience

You may struggle with believing in yourself or what you’re capable of achieving.

It's easy when you know that what you can achieve sits right in your accomplishments.

Mine for your accomplishments - professional and personal - that have created who you are today. A list of ‘evidence’ of your success is some of the easiest and more effective validation. This is where belief grows and takes hold. Self-worth along with it.

Decide to view your success through what you’ve already created and then use it to create more of it.

Step 3: Prioritizing

Self-validation is also ‘putting your oxygen mask on first.’

This means prioritizing yourself so that you can ultimately be more effective with others. The funny thing about prioritizing yourself, you end up pleasing more people and showing up with more impact.

Decide to prioritize yourself. If you didn’t read last week’s post on Death By Calendar, go read it here.

Decide that you are enough because you have decided ahead of time who you are and how you want to show up for yourself.

Coming from a place of deciding feels so much better than asking, ‘Am I enough?”

A final thought...

Enough already with the word enough. It’s on the ‘never again’ list of words I will no longer use.

I will use it one more time. When will you decide that you’ve had enough seeking validation from someone other than yourself?

One last note around acceptance. Accept your limitations. Don’t try to be someone you are not.

Be you. You are one-of-a-kind.

You can do this. I can teach you how. Let's connect HERE. Getting started is the most important part.