Mastering the Art of Listening: Key to Influence, Connection, and Success

When I give a talk, I pay attention to the topics people ask questions about. Recently, I've gotten lots of questions around not having a seat at the table, not being heard and not getting the expected results from colleagues.

We are wired to think of ourselves first. Especially when we are stressed, distracted, rushed, or triggered.

Our brain is always on the protective prowl.

You know, when that person is talking at you and you can’t hear what they are saying because you have something to say.

You are not hearing. You are listening to respond instead of listening for understanding.

This can lead to miscommunication, misunderstandings, and even conflict. It likely already has.

As leaders, parents, and humans, connection makes us tick and keeps us thriving. How we connect with others takes work and intention.

When you listen for deep understanding you create space for more meaningful and productive conversations.

Listening is an underrated skill.

When I ask high-performers the characteristics of leaders that most inspire them, being a good listener is in the top 10.

Listening is hard, but the payoff has you getting that seat at the table, being heard and gaining recognition faster and without the negative headspace.

When it is about them, you understand what they need and want so that you can better influence what you need and want.

Even if you are ‘right’. Being right doesn’t get you what you want.

When you are more focused on the outcomes you want to create, the need to be right in the moment takes a back seat.

A business owner shared with me that she was no longer on the same page with her partner creating a deep fissure in their relationship. I asked her what outcomes she wanted from an upcoming strategic planning meeting with her partner. She wanted to layout her story and all of the things her partner had done, but she knew this wouldn’t get her the outcome she ultimately wanted. Thinking about outcomes pulled her from being 'right' into into ideation, creation, possibility and clarity.

Instead of coming from a place of being right, she got curious about what her partner might be thinking, imagined new possibilities and decided what on more productive conversations and decisions. She worked back from the future she wanted.

When you are feeling wronged, dismissed, discounted or want to explain your side, that’s a signal. A signal to ask yourself what you are responsible for - even if it's 1%.

Check-in with yourself and ask what you want more: To explain your side or to create a better future?

Doing this from a thoughtful place of knowing the outcome you want produces different results than defending.

When you better understand where they are coming from, you can share what you want from a place of understanding them and asking them to better understand you.

Start by asking what are the outcomes I want from this conversation?

Then answer: What must be said/offered/explained/understood to get the outcome?

Managing from outcomes not in defense of your story is leading with more impact.

When you show up as a good listener and focused on the outcome you desire, you’ll love how you handling situations better than your old self.

If you are in NYC on May 8, I'd love to see you at the Women's Health Summit - it will be a great event!